


a loved and a hated thing

by tintedglasses



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Electrokinesis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, emotion based powers, in that nat has a superpower, kind of, past trauma implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23597878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tintedglasses/pseuds/tintedglasses
Summary: He pulls his hand away, his fingertips tingling lightly, and sits cross-legged, making sure to angle off to the side so she has a clear escape route. He shivers a little at the chill in the room and looks down at his bare chest, the red imprint of a hand stark in the middle of it, the skin buzzing with the memory of pain. He wishes that he was in more than just his sleep pants, wishes he could hide the mark, but everything had happened so fast.Nat is shivering, too, dressed only in one of Steve’s old and threadbare t-shirts. He longs to wrap her up in his arms and give her every last bit of warmth that he has.But he can’t. Not yet.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	a loved and a hated thing

**Author's Note:**

> i've been wanting to write a SteveNat fic for a long time because i love them very much and this idea struck me yesterday, so I went with it. loosely inspired by [this tumblr post](https://lesbiandarthmaul.tumblr.com/post/188940067479) about emotion-based magic. basically, nat's body has an electric current that gets stronger when she has emotions. the backstory on it is non-existent here because i'm leaving it open to become a larger fic, if i ever decide to.
> 
> title from "Skin" by Zach Winters. 
> 
> unbeta'd.

“Nat, hey.” Steve tries to make his voice small, tucks his shoulders in to be less threatening, but it’s hard to achieve with the way Natasha has tucked herself into the corner. There’s no way to not be imposing and he’s never despised his large body more.

He reaches out to her as slowly as he can, but she’s still startled when he makes contact with her shoulder, wrenching her body in the other direction. Her voice is like acid on the surface, but he can hear her fear bleeding beneath it. “Don’t.”

He pulls his hand away, his fingertips tingling lightly, and sits cross-legged, making sure to angle off to the side so she has a clear escape route. He shivers a little at the chill in the room and looks down at his bare chest, the red imprint of a hand stark in the middle of it, the skin buzzing with the memory of pain. He wishes that he was in more than just his sleep pants, wishes he could hide the mark, but everything had happened so fast. 

Nat is shivering, too, dressed only in one of Steve’s old and threadbare t-shirts. He longs to wrap her up in his arms and give her every last bit of warmth that he has.

But he can’t. Not yet.

He gives her a moment to get her breathing under control before he speaks. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re okay.”

Her head whips up, her hair disheveled from sleep and from her hands, frizzy from the electricity, the blonde tips floating slightly. Her eyes are red-rimmed and brimming, and the air crackles faintly around them as her emotions flare. “ _I’m_ okay? Of course, _I’m_ okay. That’s not—I’m not—“

Her words break off into sobs and Steve catches the way her eyes flicker down to his chest before she buries her face into her knees. The electricity in the air is palpable now, making the hairs on Steve’s arms stand straight. 

He wants to reach out to her, possible burns be damned, but he knows that won’t help the situation. 

“Hey, deep breaths,” he says instead, maintaining his distance. “Focus on your breathing.”

Her first attempts are stuttered, every inhale and exhale breaking into tiny pieces that feel like they pierce Steve’s skin. He hates knowing that he inadvertently caused her this pain. He wishes she would just rip his heart out instead. He wouldn’t mind; he’d give it to her freely.

Slowly, the energy in the air levels out, Nat settling into shallow but steady breaths. He can tell she’s exhausted by the slope of her shoulders, normally held ballerina-tight, even with him.

“Bad dream?” he asks softly, even though he doesn’t really need to. This isn’t the first time he’s woken up in the middle of the night to Nat’s skin sparking as she sleeps, her terror flooding her and causing her electricity to go haywire. He knows better than to reach out to try to comfort her, knows that she’ll end up burning him when she inevitably panics and pushes at him, but sometimes he can’t control it. It’s instinctual to want to comfort her.

She nods into her knees. A really bad one then, if she won’t look at him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. It used to worry him more when she didn’t, but she’s been seeing Dr. Cho now and he feels better knowing that she’s at least talking to someone about it.

Still, he feels he can’t help the relief he feels when she speaks.

“I could...feel their hands on me,” she whispers and Steve stomach twists sharply as he thinks about how he touched her, too, knowing that she probably thought his hand was one of theirs. “They were grabbing and pulling but I couldn’t—I couldn’t feel anything. I was just...numb and I couldn’t. I couldn’t make them stop.”

She looks up at him and she looks fragile, like the small birds he used to find fallen from their nests when he was a child. Her face is pale and her eyes plead with him. “What good is it being like this if I couldn’t make them stop?”

“Oh, Nat,” Steve says, his voice coming out thicker than he expected, not noticing his own tears. 

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” she says, her face crumpling. 

Steve scoots closer to her, but makes sure not to touch her yet. He ducks his head so his eyes are level with his. There’s a current coming from her skin now that he’s close enough to feel it, but it’s more lethargic. Sad.

“I’m sorry I touched you. I know better than that.” And he does know better, not just because of the electricity but also because he knows this is a frequent nightmare that she has and he never wants to make her mistake his hands for theirs.

She squeezes her eyes closed, the current getting faster. “You shouldn’t have to—“

“Hey, hey, breathe,” he says, not wanting her to get ramped up again. “Can you look at me, please?”

She takes a few deep breaths, the tension slowing bleeding out of her face until she just looks exhausted, and then looks at him.

“I love you.” His fingers twitch with the urge to hold her hand, but he refrains. 

“And love means sacrifice?” she questions, her voice brittle and bitter.

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t ever feel like I’m sacrificing anything by being with you.”

“But I hurt you,” she says, as if she’s pleading with him to condemn her. “I hurt you tonight, and I’ve hurt you before, and I’ll hurt you again.”

“I hurt you, too,” he says. “I know how hard you are trying, and I know how much progress you’ve made in controlling it, and I know I can’t touch you when you have a nightmare. And I hurt you, by making you hurt me.”

She looks down at her hands. “That’s not the same.”

“It is to me.”

She looks back up, propping her elbows on her knees as she runs her hands over her staticky hair until they clasp behind her neck. She’s staring at the imprint of her hand on his skin. “How? How could that be the same?”

Steve waves his hand at his chest, shrugging. Sometimes, he’s really grateful for the serum because— “This? This will be gone by morning. I know that you hate when this happens, but it’s really fine. I’ve had much worse.”

Nat huffs out a breath as she meets Steve’s gaze. 

“I know, I know. You think I’m reckless. We’ve been through this before.” Her lip twitches up at the corner, a tiny semblance of a smile, and Steve’s relieved to see her coming back into herself a bit. His voice is somber, though, as he says, “But I know this sticks with you when it happens. I know that you beat yourself up over it, as much as I wish you wouldn’t. So I owe you an apology for putting you in that position.”

She drags the heel of her hand across her face roughly, scrubbing away tears. “You are reckless,” she scolds him. “You can’t keep putting yourself in harm’s way like that.”

Steve nods. “I know. I just...I see you in pain and I don't think before reaching out sometimes. But I need to be better about that. So we’ll work out something different, okay? Something that’s safe. For both of us.”

She lets out a deep breath before her shoulders slump slightly, the neckline of his t-shirt slipping to reveal her collarbone.

“I do love you, too, you know? Despite...” Her gaze flickers down to his chest again.

“No ‘despite,’” Steve says, shaking his head. He waits until she looks up at him. “This isn’t your fault. I know you would never choose this. So, no ‘despite,’ okay?”

Steve watches as her walls crumble and the bone-deep exhaustion hits her fully. She sways slightly with the effort of holding her body up, until she rests her head again the wall. Her nod is small, but Steve sees it. She whispers, “Okay.”

He knows that this hasn’t solved anything and that her guilt is likely to rear its head again sooner rather than later, but this is enough for now. It’s late and they could both use some sleep.

“Would it be okay if I touched you now?” Steve asks quietly. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to.”

He watches as she catalogues her emotions, judging whether it’s safe for him. Eventually, she nods and he feels his chest expand in relief. It would have been okay if she had said no, but he’s been aching to hold her ever since he was woken up by her crying in her sleep.

He makes sure to telegraph his movements clearly as he moves to embrace her. It’s awkward with her still tucked in a ball, her knees pressing uncomfortably into his chest and his shoulders contorting to fit into the corner with her, but he ignores that as he feels her fingertips tentatively touch his sides.

Her skin is still buzzing, but it’s minor, like the way your skin gets a little fizzy when you rub your feet on the carpet. He doesn’t mention it to her because he doesn’t want her to feel bad or pull away. It doesn’t hurt anyways.

“I always want to touch you.” Her voice is quiet and her hands shake as she slides her fingertips forward and flattens her palms again Steve’s ribs. His skin vibrates faintly. “That’s what makes this so hard.”

Her voice cracks on the last word and Steve pulls back to cup her face in his hands, as softly as he can. He can’t help but think she’s beautiful, even exhausted like this. It’s not even how she looks, it’s just her. 

“I know it’s hard. And I know we both mess up sometimes. But I know that I’m never going to love anyone the way I love you. And that means loving all of you.”

Nat shifts her hands up to his hair, guiding his face towards hers until their lips are brushing gently, just barely a kiss. A slight current flows from her lips, but it only makes him feel warm. 

“I’m never going to love anyone but you like this either,” she breathes into the space between them, her lips brushing his with every word.

Steve moves forward, kissing her more firmly. It’s just a press of their lips, but it says more than words ever could.

When he pulls back, he rests his forehead against hers with his eyes closed, and her hands come down to hold his wrists where his hands still cup her face.

He breathes in the moment for just a bit, before shifting so he can look at her. He smiles a small grin, tapping his thumbs softly against her cheekbones once. “What do you say we go lie back down?”

She bites her lip as she glances at the bed. “I don’t know if I want to go back to sleep.”

“What if we went out to the couch? I could make you some tea and we could put something on, if you’d like?”

She looks back at him, gratitude clearly showing in her gaze. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

He knows that she’ll probably fall asleep sitting up with her head against his shoulder like she always does on nights like these, but he also knows that she hardly ever has nightmares when that happens. 

And if his back is a little sore in the morning from sleeping upright, well, that’s what the serum is good for.

He presses one more quick kiss against her lips before standing. He reaches down to help her up, her legs a little wobbly at first from being curled up for so long. 

She tries patting down her hair, but scowls lightly when her hands just make the static worse. Steve lets out a small laugh and hands her a hair tie from the bedside table.

She flips head upside down and tames her hair into a bun, standing up as she finished tying it off, tucking the little blond pieces in neatly until all Steve can see is red.

He bends down and presses a kiss on the top of her head when she’s finished, the static giving him the tiniest of shocks.

“Better?” he asks.

She reaches out to hold his hand, only hesitating slightly before threading their fingers together. “Better.”

**Author's Note:**

> <3 [tumblr post](https://tintedglasses.tumblr.com/post/615125641573154816/a-loved-and-a-hated-thing-by-tintedglasses)


End file.
